Just Got A Call From My Daughter's Boyfriend

but you're still 2% sure you won't give permission lol

Staybrite wrote:

I do remember being him (although it was 26 years ago)....and I had to ask my future father-in-law for permission to marry his daughter (it was rather nerve-wracking).  I think he was kind of surprised that I asked him first.  Obviously he gave his permission, and I am 98% certain I will too.

That's something I did not do.  I didn't figure that my father-in-law was really part of the decision making process.  I asked Holly to marry me and we informed her parents what our intent was.  Of course, they loved me so it didn't matter.  Sometimes, my wife and I joke that if we ever divorced that I would still be their son. 

Here are the questions I anticipate asking on the day it happens to me:

• Never mind does he love your daughter; will he love her in 5, 10, 20, and 50 years?
  
• Does he understand his role as the husband ([url=http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ephesians 5:25&version=NASB]Ephesians 5:25[/url]).
  
• Does your daughter understand what her role will be?
  
• Has he spent time with you and your wife? (to get a glimpse into what she will be like in several years)
  
• Has she spent time with his folks?
  
• What are their respective opinions on divorce? (Should be "not an option" ... PERIOD)
  
• Do they each understand that the other can never be #1; our spouses must always play second fiddle to Jesus, because He is the lead singer of the band!
  

Make sure they go through real premarital counseling, not just a couple of 30 minute sessions with the pastor. They need to know that contrary to what the world tells us marriage is a life-time commitment, not a "try this for a while" gimmick. 

Here are a couple of very good resources; I intend to make sure my daughter and any future fiance of hers read them:

Love Life for Every Marriage

Love and Respect

Authentic Manhood

I'm a little late to this party... sorry.
Everything's pretty much been said and I agree with most of the recommends and exhortations.

Hold on to hope and the faith that God's will IS going to be done.


Oh, and I never asked anyone's permission to get married, nor did my ex-son-in-law ask me... so sounds to me like you got a gentleman on your hands... and they're hard to come by these days.

Guilty/Forgiven wrote:

I'm a little late to this party... sorry.
Everything's pretty much been said and I agree with most of the recommends and exhortations.

Hold on to hope and the faith that God's will IS going to be done.


Oh, and I never asked anyone's permission to get married, nor did my ex-son-in-law ask me... so sounds to me like you got a gentleman on your hands... and they're hard to come by these days.

Asking "permission" or for a blessing has its drawbacks as well. Although I asked my wife to marry me first, I felt compelled to be old fashioned and ask her father for his blessing. He gave it, but I later heard through my wife that he gave her a list of things that he didn't like about me: he thought my handshake was weak (something that bothered me, as I have always made a point of giving a good, firm handshake), my hair was too long, etc. Oddly enough, 15 years later my wife presented me with a list of things she doesn't like about me. This is why I say spend time with your future in-laws, as the person you are marrying will be them someday! 

There has been said a lot about this.
All good things.
I think it says something about the guy to invite Gary for lunch to talk to him.
That's a very postive and good attitude.

Quote :

 This is why I say spend time with your future in-laws, as the person you are marrying will be them someday

omg, you hit the nail on the head there.  I shall not go into any sordid details here, but suffice it to say, my ex turned out to be a carbon copy of her mother.

Don't get me wrong, I love my wife and always will, and after her "10 things I hate about you" speech a few years ago I make a point of not dwelling on her "quirks" (I refuse to even call them faults!  ). However, there are some days I see both of her parents in her; it's at those times that I leave the room!  We live in SD and her parents live in WA, and that's about as close as I want to be to them!  

rockerVu2 wrote:

I think it says something about the guy to invite Gary for lunch to talk to him.

Very true!

My daughter's boyfriend has spent quite a bit of time with our family (and we are glad to have him join us).  He (along with my daughter) have even gone so far as to take our two younger sons out with them to bowl and eat.  I do recognize that his "asking me" is just a formality and even if I didn't give them my blessing they would likely still get married...so nothing will be gained by me flatly saying "no".

Thanks for links BearDad, I will definitely check them out.  I also have a list of questions for him (and some for my daughter as well).  Only some of my questions will be even tougher.    I expect both of them to understand their role (biblically) as husband and wife.

I also expect him to understand that his marriage to my daughter makes him responsible to treat my daughter in a manor that I (as a Christian father) would approve of.  Or else he may have to answer to me and her mother (kind of like a second set of parents).

I was gonna say once you shoot this guy the others will get the message too.

It's many years away but I plan to grill any girl who would marry my son!  Lol mother - son bond much like that of father - daughter!

She Eats Cheese wrote:

It's many years away but I plan to grill any girl who would marry my son!  Lol mother - son bond much like that of father - daughter!

 

MikeInFla wrote:

I was gonna say once you shoot this guy the others will get the message too.

But alas, Samson beat you to the punch!  

Staybrite wrote:

I also expect him to understand that his marriage to my daughter makes him responsible to treat my daughter in a manor that I (as a Christian father) would approve of.  Or else he may have to answer to me and her mother (kind of like a second set of parents).

Just be careful how you tell him that. My father-in-law said to me, after the wedding, "If you ever hurt her ... " in a manner that made me think I had been transported to the back woods of Kentucky!

When is this meeting scheduled for?

Staybrite wrote:

I also expect him to understand that his marriage to my daughter makes him responsible to treat my daughter in a manor that I (as a Christian father) would approve of.  Or else he may have to answer to me and her mother (kind of like a second set of parents).

Wouldn't you rather have her treated in a doctor's office or hospital than in a manor . . . just sayin'

BearDad wrote:

Staybrite wrote:

I also expect him to understand that his marriage to my daughter makes him responsible to treat my daughter in a manor that I (as a Christian father) would approve of.  Or else he may have to answer to me and her mother (kind of like a second set of parents).

Just be careful how you tell him that. My father-in-law said to me, after the wedding, "If you ever hurt her ... " in a manner that made me think I had been transported to the back woods of Kentucky!

Oh gosh, I would never imply that I would ever physically hurt the boy. I just want him to know if he marries my daughter that it will make him my son, and that I will hold him to the same standards I hold my other sons to.

Readi_Sketti wrote:

When is this meeting scheduled for?

Looks like we are going to meet this Sunday.

Through The Dark Radio wrote:

Staybrite wrote:

I also expect him to understand that his marriage to my daughter makes him responsible to treat my daughter in a manor that I (as a Christian father) would approve of.  Or else he may have to answer to me and her mother (kind of like a second set of parents).

Wouldn't you rather have her treated in a doctor's office or hospital than in a manor . . . just sayin'

 




 

It's never easy. When they told me that having kids is forever... that even though they grow up and move away and get married and stuff, they're still your kids and you always worry about them...
I said no way man, when they're outta here, it's party time !!!

Not so.

I worry about my son living 2 hours away...

I worried for 7 years about my daughter and her husband living 8 hours away...

Now my daughter is divorced and living under our roof again... and it's almost like things have never changed... she's 26 now, doing internship and in love with a new man that I know NOTHING about.
Yeh I worry... but you Staybrite, have a lot of hope with this kid. If your daughter's going to church and he's taking her... that's MILES ahead of my kids... I long for them to want to go to church, or even own a Bible again.
What's hard is not two kids getting together to marry... that happens all the time and many make it, especially if they plant themselves on the Foundation of Christ - What's hard is watching your kids drift away from the faith completely and having zero interest in Christianity or what happens after they die....
Sorry to be deep and a little dark in this, but from what I'm hearing here, I'm thinking they have a better thing going than my kids have chose....

there's the hope that you can hold on to.

Staybrite wrote:

BearDad wrote:

Staybrite wrote:

I also expect him to understand that his marriage to my daughter makes him responsible to treat my daughter in a manor that I (as a Christian father) would approve of.  Or else he may have to answer to me and her mother (kind of like a second set of parents).

Just be careful how you tell him that. My father-in-law said to me, after the wedding, "If you ever hurt her ... " in a manner that made me think I had been transported to the back woods of Kentucky!

Oh gosh, I would never imply that I would ever physically hurt the boy.  I just want him to know if he marries my daughter that it will make him my son, and that I will hold him to the same standards I hold my other sons to.

I know, and I don't think my father in law meant it that way, but that's the way it came across. So just be careful how you present yourself.

to BearDad:  

Can you wear camo and have and AK that your polishing for the meeting?

Guilty/Forgiven wrote:

Yeh I worry... but you Staybrite, have a lot of hope with this kid. If your daughter's going to church and he's taking her... that's MILES ahead of my kids... I long for them to want to go to church, or even own a Bible again.

I have worried about my older son for many years with regards to "coming to faith" and I'm still not certain he has truly put his trust in the Lord. I don't tend to worry about my other two as much as they really seem to love Jesus. But it bothers me often about my oldest boy. I had a pastor tell me once that you can raise your kids with God every step, and every day but you can't make them desire a relationship with our Lord. He told me that he had seen some of the best Christian parents loose their kids to the world (some came back, but some never do). And he had seen some of the worst parents in the world produce some of the best God-fearing people he had ever met. Ultimately he left me with the thought that all you can do is be as faithful as you can in raising your kids to know a love for Christ, and pray that they will want and need Him in their life...but you can't "make" it happen. It was a little comfort, but it still makes me fear for all of my kids.

We told our previous son-in-law quite clearly from the get-go "Celia is our daughter and we love her beyond what you can comprehend right now - She is extremely important to us and therefore it is extremely important that you treat her as if she is the most important person in your life, and she is. We love you, but we will always protect her, and should you hurt her, we will side with her... it's just the way it is, and you will understand when you have your own kids someday. But should she hurt you and not fulfill her vows to you as a wife, we will side with you."

Yes, we said that on more than one occasion, and unfortunately the part about having to side with her came true. He hurt her emotionally, and we sided with her.

I'm sayin all this cuz I really think you need to just be 100% honest from the get-go. It's not pleasant, but it's the truth and should he be there for the long haul, he will one day understand and appreciate your honesty.