Just Got A Call From My Daughter's Boyfriend

They boy wants to meet with me (and only me) next weekend to have lunch.  Me thinks he has an ulterior motive.  I am almost certain he is going to ask my permission to marry my daughter.  I have to say I have mixed feelings...and I plan to grill the boy hard.  
I know Guilty/Forgiven has been through this before (I think RockerVu2 has as well, but she is a mother...not a father).  Any advice, comments etc.?

Ask God for wisdom.  The obvious biggies are, does he love your daughter and is willing, able & responsible enough to take care of her.

Has the boy been good to your daughter?  Do they attend church or share the same faith?  Those are all things that would be positives.

But, your job is to simply give a blessing.  If you do not, they will marry anyway or just shack up.  If you give them your blessing, you will at least keep her in your life where you can still try to influence them in God's ways.  If you don't, she could get mad and not want much to do with her dad.  I think it is okay to grill him some, and even to tell him what your expectations of a husband for your daughter would be.  Ultimately, though, it amounts to her choice.  You will have to bless the marriage to let her finish growing up.  Even if he is the wrong guy, she will have to decide that for herself.  You cannot protect her from any potential hurts that a failed marriage could bring.  If you love her, Gary, then you are going to have to let her make this decision and okay it.  You don't have to like it, but she is looking for your acceptance or the boy wouldn't be asking for permission to marry your daughter.

I would love to have children of my own, but I sometimes (like this one) that I don't have any of the hard situations in my life that having kids can bring.

Yes Gary times like that are coming now.
It's hard to let your kids go and special the first one.
Ask God for wisdom and insight.
Who is this guy? What has he to offer your daughter.
Like Chris told you is he Christian.
Give them your blessings.

Next year my son moves out.
I will miss him very much.

It's hard, went through this with my oldest a year and a half ago. I actually asked them to wait a year, they were 18 but they went ahead with our blessing and so far it seems good.

Praying for wisdom for you.

It will be many years for us. My daughter is only 10 but she likes a boy in her class. Praying for you and that God gives you wisdom

Just to give a little background.  They are both 20, they are church going Christians (they have both gone to each other's churches). They were also both homeschooled for at least part of their education.  He is actually a very good young man (the best one she has ever dated).  He is very respectful and appears to enjoy doing things with our family.  My only concern is that he understand his role (biblically) as a husband, and that he will take custody of my daughter's heart.  I"m also a little concerned that they have only been seeing each other for about 5 months.

alldatndensum wrote:

Has the boy been good to your daughter?  Do they attend church or share the same faith?  Those are all things that would be positives.

It's funny you mentioned that.  After their first date (it was a picnic in a busy park) my daughter wasn't sure she wanted to go out with him again because she didn't feel any "sparks" or instant connection.  But this was the first boy she had gone out with that had a decent job and some kind of plan for his future. I asked my daughter if the boy was respectful and treated her well (with no unwanted advances, etc.).  She said that he was, so I told her she needed to see him at least two or three more times before making any judgment.  5 Months later she is smitten with him.

Staybrite wrote:

My only concern is that he understand his role (biblically) as a husband, and that he will take custody of my daughter's heart.

I agree with alldat and think your "grilling" should center on the above assuming he seems responsible financially (now and whatever his future career might be). If he's a strong Christian both of those should be easy for him to handle.

Edit: I'll add the time isn't all that important IMHO. What may be is how close they are to finishing school, etc. Not to say they must wait until then, but should most definitely wait to start having kids until after graduation. I'd try for at least 2 years after the wedding anyway so they have a chance to bond as a couple first.

This is only just my opinion but I think they are a bit too young. At age 20 you still have things in life to experience. I think age 25 is a better age to get married. By that time you have college under your belt and a few years establishing a career. Now I'm not saying they should not be serious about their relationship - they should.  In fact they can really use this time to get to know each other.

Ok, i'm not trying to fight so don't take it wrong please. This idea of waiting until the time is right seems like a modern societal idea more then anything. Why do you have to experience life before you get married? What will you miss out on? We got married a month before we turned 20 and we experienced life together and it's made us stronger and I know a lot of people who waited and they didn't last yet we are still together. I never see in the Bible about waiting until the time is right, it seems it will be what you make of it.
Obviously i'm not saying I know what's best for everyone, and I asked my Daughter to wait a year so she'd be 19 but I don't think there's a transcript of what's best here.

I said it was only my opinion. I was barely out of High School when I got married the first time and I wish I would have done it differently. Four years into our marriage my ex "discovered" he did not want to be married to me any longer. I think had I waited a few years before saying yes to this person I could have saved myself a lot of heartache. Again I'm only basing this on my own experience. But if nothing else I think this couple should wait a bit and get to know each other better before jumping into marriage.

I suppose (obviously, I have no experience with being married) that it's all in the way the partners view the marriage. Some view it as just being in a close relationship, and some view it as a truly God-ordained union.

I've had family members who divorced after a while because they found that they couldn't stand their partner anymore. But, the irritating factor only developed itself way after marriage. In one instance, it was after the birth of their child, and the wife suddenly turned overprotective - as in, she wouldn't let the kid get hurt at all. Getting hurt (that is, a few scrapes and potentially broken limbs here and there) is a part of growing up, and so the husband (who wanted to make a man of his son) couldn't take it anymore, and they split. I don't think either of them anticipated that.

I have seen couples married young that have failed.  I have seen just as many couples that married at a more "acceptable age" fail as well.

The problem isn't the age--it's how they view their marriage.  Is it just a relationship they have with each other?  Or, it is truly a covenant between them and their Lord?  If they see marriage as the second one and stay committed to Him and one another, they will make it.

My wife and I married at age 18.  Holly was a whole 3 weeks out of high school.  We didn't have much and didn't need it.  In a lot of ways, we were better off when we had nothing and needed nothing but God and each other.  Life hasn't always been easy together and never will be.  Marriage is work, people!  We almost didn't make it back in 2000 when I fell into a major sin problem and left her.  God, however, wasn't done with us and has put us back together and is the bond that holds this marriage and joint ministry together.

Gary, if you can get them to agree to wait a bit longer, especially if they are finishing college, that would be great.  But, if they are headstrong and want to be together, move heaven and earth to help them do so.  Nothing could be finer than two of God's children finding the mate that the Lord has provided.

Amen!

Again Amen.

Oh, and don't forget to wear your NRA Life member shirt. A little intimidation never hurt right?

Thanks for all the input everyone.  I do appreciate it.  

My wife an I were married very young (right at our 20th birthdays), and we are still going strong 26 years later.  However we did now each other for 4 years before we got married.   We didn't have Christ at the center of or marriage (not at first anyway because I was not yet a Christian).  But she has been my best friend since before we got married.

topshot rhit wrote:

Oh, and don't forget to wear your NRA Life member shirt. A little intimidation never hurt right?

Ha ha, indeed.

topshot rhit wrote:

Oh, and don't forget to wear your NRA Life member shirt. A little intimidation never hurt right?

That is sound advice!

And don't forget to tell him that you no objection to going back to prison again if he hurts your daughter 

You guys are too funny!

I gotta say, I think it is great that he has stepped up & wants to ask you! I got married at 18! We prayed & seeked on it first, but we have been married for 14 1/2 years and they have been amazing!
I don't feel that they are too young, but it is a matter of their maturity & understanding of the commitment. Remember you were him, one time

I do remember being him (although it was 26 years ago)....and I had to ask my future father-in-law for permission to marry his daughter (it was rather nerve-wracking).  I think he was kind of surprised that I asked him first.  Obviously he gave his permission, and I am 98% certain I will too.