Jokes...

Through The Dark Radio wrote:

A wife calls up her engineer husband and tells him to get a few things on the way home.  She says "Get some bread.  And if they have any eggs, get a dozen."

So the husband comes home with a dozen loaves of bread.

That makes sense to me....not sure I see the joke in there.   

What do you call a person with no butt and no nose?
No butty nose!

"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith. He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Billy Bob and leave.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, buddy."

(Disclaimer: I am not one who likes "Men Vs Women" jokes that demean either sex. No offense is intended here, rather, just some good humor. Also: this was written by a woman)

1. NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call
each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20,
even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller
and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2
item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor,
a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. The average number of items
in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to
identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that
is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking,
men torment cats.

7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never
worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man
marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress
up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow
deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret
fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing.

Guilty/Forgiven wrote:

7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never
worries about the future until he gets a wife.

That is so true it is not even remotely funny.

Can I get an Amen on that !?  

I think we had a couple of short people living here for a while.  Not sure where they went.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what Martha?"
"What dear?"she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."

We're all adults here, right!?

A man came home from work and was surprised when his wife greeted him at the door wearing a very tight blouse and a mini-skirt. In a very seductive voice his wife asked him, "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?"
"No" said the husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reaching into her cleavage pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill. The man took the crumpled bill from her and smiled approvingly. She then asked him, "Have you ever seen a hundred dollars all crumpled up?"
"No I haven't" he said with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, revealing very sheer and seductive panties, into which she stuck two fingers and pulled out a crumpled hundred dollar bill.
The man, grinning ear to ear and breathing heavily with anticipation, put out his hand and accepted the crumpled hundred dollar bill.
"Now" the wife said, leaning close to him "Have you ever seen 50,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way!" the man exclaimed, becoming even more aroused then ever.
"Go look in the garage."

  That's  

Oh, and we're all adults... but doesn't mean we're all mature  

Hahahaha ok that got a "lol" outa me.