Jokes...

Ancient Foolish Proverbs:

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
8. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
9. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
10. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
11. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
12. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
13. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
14. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
15. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
16. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
17. Remember the law of gravity… if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
18. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
19. He who go to bed with itchy butt, wake up with smelly finger
20. Why do we never hear of psychics winning the lottery ?

How did Tim Gaines join Stryper?

Robert and Michael were Sweet, and Oz was a Fox so they Gained Tim.

Mac wrote:

How did Tim Gaines join Stryper?

Robert and Michael were Sweet, and Oz was a Fox so they Gained Tim.  

Uhhhh . .. 

Guilty/Forgiven wrote:

Ancient Foolish Proverbs:


18. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Good thing I wasn't drinking anything while reading this, or my monitor would now be ruined!

 

Here's a good one:


In Philadelphia the following sign was in the window of a business:

"We would rather do business with 1000 terrorists than with a single Jew".

Ordinarily this might be cause to get the anti-hate groups involved, but perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors of Goldstein's Funeral Home simply make their statement.

Clever.

QUESTION:
What's the difference between a neurotic, a psychotic and a psychiatrist?

ANSWER:
The neurotic builds castles in the air, the psychotic lives in them, and the psychiatrist collects the rent.

Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded?

All that was left was da Brie

(In honor of National Blonde Jokes day - here goes...)

A ventriloquist is touring clubs in Florida. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the audience stands on her chair and shouts, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and from reaching our full potential!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist starts to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk sittin' on your knee!"

A blonde came home and found her house on fire. She rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here! my house is
on fire!"

(Fireman) "OK, how do we get there?"

(Blonde) "Shucks, don't you guys still have those big red trucks?"

Two blondes are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a bag. When they meet, the first blonde says, "Hey, whatcha got in the bag?"

(Second Blonde) "Just some new dresses."

(First Blonde)"If I guess how many there are, can I have one?"

(Second Blonde) "Shucks, if you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"

(First Blonde) "OK. Ummmmm...five?"

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde, after looking about, responded, "Howabout $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."


 

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts,"how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."

So a blonde walks into a store and says "I'd like to buy that TV over there."
The salesman responds "sorry we don't sell to blondes." 
She goes across the street  to the hair salon and dyes her hair jet black. She goes back into the store and asks the sales man " Can I buy that TV over there?"  He replied, "I'm sorry, but we don't sell to blondes!" Stunned she asks him "How do you know I'm blonde?" 

The salesman replies, "Because that's a microwave!"

Four blondes were in an elevator when suddenly it got stuck. They discussed what they should do so maybe someone could rescue them. One of the blondes suggested we should scream really loud together. On the count of three they all steam out "TOGETHER!!! TOGETHER!!!"

  LOVING this thread btw...

^^ that's the best joke yet! LOL!

 I'm easily amused ok ?

“Hey guys who wants to hear a blonde joke?” Said a blind old man after settling himself down on a stool in the bar. The question was met with dead silence After a few second pause, the bartender walked up to the blind fella and put his face right up to his nose and said in a deep menacing voice. “I’m blonde and I don’t appreciate blonde jokes! My wife is right next to me, she’s blonde and she doesn’t  appreciate blonde jokes. And best of all, on your right is a blonde bodybuilder who I’m pretty sure doesn’t like blonde jokes either! Would you still like to say that joke?”
“HECK NO!” Said the blind fella, “NOT IF I’M GOING TO HAVE TO EXPLAIN THE DARN JOKE THAT MANY TIMES!

A blonde walks into a store and says, "I need to get bread, eggs, and milk." The stock boy goes, "Ditzy blonde!"  Offended by this she said, "What does the colour of my hair have to do with needing to buy bread, milk, and eggs?"  The stock boy responds, "Because this is a hardware store!"

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting.

The trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!"

"NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!

A wife calls up her engineer husband and tells him to get a few things on the way home.  She says "Get some bread.  And if they have any eggs, get a dozen."

So the husband comes home with a dozen loaves of bread.

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know.
We're going at night !"

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you !"

The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet Yes for Heads and No for Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour.
But I'm rechecking my answers."