Jokes...

Anyone got any good jokes to post?  I love one liners and short jokes, so here's a couple to start off with...

"When I was younger my father said to me 'the sky's the limit.'  Which was annoying as I wanted to be an astronaut."

"I was half way through eating a horse when I thought 'I'm not as hungry as I thought I was'"

BNAG!  That's bang out of order.

"I Went on a once in a life time holiday.  I tell you what, never again!"

Be alert... The world could use a lot more lerts!

What do you call a mother who is really slow?

A Pokemom.

IF someone were indecisive, my dad used to reply, "Whatever blows your skirt the hightest!"



If he was broke and we were asking for money, he'd say, "I'm so broke that if they were selling steamboats for a dime a dozen, all I could do is run up and down the banks yelling, 'Ain't that cheap!'"

What did the drywall contractor say to the wall?......One more crack and I plaster you!

Why did the belt go to jail?........ Because it "held up" a pair of pants.

(heard both of those from my 14 y.o. son this morning)

What do you call a cow with half of its legs missing? Lean beef!
What do you call a cow with all of its legs missing? Ground beef!

What do you call a cow right after she gives birth? De-calfinated!

Get that guy off the stage!  Moooo!

Howe Long is a Chinaman.

Blonde goes into a library and loudly orders a cheeseburger, fries and coke.
Librarian looks at here and asks if she knows where she is?
After looking around the blonde then quietly orders a cheeseburger, fries and coke.

A brunette, red head, and a blonde are running from the law. They run down an alley and they hide out in these potato sacks. As the officer walks past them, the brunette in the first sack goes "woof woof", the officer keeps walking past the red head in the second bag and she goes, "Meow!"  Officer keeps on walking until he sees the third bag with the blonde inside. The blonde then says, "I'm a potato!"

What was the name of that woman? The one with one leg shorter than the other one? Oh yeah ... Eileen

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

 I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin? Still, at least it's comfortable on Eurostar, it's murder on the Orient Express...

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

 So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

 I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like Tim?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don?t have to be polite" "Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow"

 You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

I love that word, "bloke". It's like "unk", except "oke".

I had some dehydrated water but I didn't know what to mix it with.

This one day in the Park there were these two flies on the handle of a frying pan. On a nearby picnic table was a plate of baloney. The two flies fly over and eat some and then fly back to the handle of the frying pan. One fly is still a little hungry and flies back for more. Mid flight he crashes to the ground and dies....

Now the moral of this story... Don't fly off the handle when your full of baloney.

Fundy wrote:

 So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

That's extra funny coming from you.  

Two pastors were painting a house, when one of the plasters spilled paint and it splattered all over the front of the house where they just painted. The other pastor looks at him square in the eye and shouts, "REPAINT, YOU THINNER!"

Two guys walked into a bar.  You'd think the second one would have ducked.

(My kids' favorite) How do you make a hot dog stand?  You take away its chair.

A minister, a priest, and a rabbi walked into a bar.  The bartender looked at them and said "hey, is this some kind of joke?"

Why are the other numbers afraid of 7?  Because seven ate nine.

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.  He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 pm news was coming on.  The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob.  "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money.  I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money...

I got pulled over by a cop who was also blonde. She asks me for my license and registration. I tell her I don't know what my drivers license looks like. She replies it has your picture on it. So I fumble thru my purse and I pullout a mirror. I thought this must be my drivers license. I hand it to the officer. She took one look at it and said "Oh, I didn't realize you we're a police officer too." And she let me go.

What kind of Bible does Stryper give out at their concerts?

The Amplified Bible!

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said,'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being so loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands..

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.
I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and "poof!"

The husband became 92 years old.

A hooded armed robber bursts into the Bank of Italy and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
 
On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Italian customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.
 
The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.
 
One of the tellers is looking straight at him. The robber walks over
and calmly shoots him in the head.
 
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
 
"Dida anyone elsa see a my face?" calls the robber.
 
There follows a tense silence. Then an elderly Italian gent, looking
down, tentatively raises his hand and says:
 
"I tinka my wifa may have caughta glimpse."