Attitude or bitterness problem ?

So this is my first week back to work. I was so excited to get back to being a productive part of society.. and I actually love my job.
Well, Idk if it's a full moon, or it's National Jerk Week, but I've had my share this week. Also had a couple of unintentional, unprovoked run ins on social pages...

That's not the problem so much, the problem is with how I handle these people. I get pissed. I don't want to, I want to be a cool cucumber and just talk nicely and "kill em with kindness". Not me, I get mad - the heart starts pounding with a fight or flight... I'm 44 for goodness sakes ! I should be OVER this, I should be able to let things slide off me and not care.

Friendship and even family seem so temporary now to me. I was pretty close to my daughter's husband for the last 4 or 5 years they were together...to the point where he began confiding in me as if I were his Dad (he doesn't have parents). When they split I had to choose between them since it was an ugly divorce - obviously I chose my daughter though I didn't care for decisions either of them made. So now he hates us, wants nothing to do with us - and I was contacted by some of his friends who said I was a horrible person - AS IF I had anything to do with their getting together, their crappy relationship and ultimate divorce ! Just cuz I chose my daughter's side. And even then, I was more like Switzerland on the whole thing - I stood back and after a little advice, I decided I didn't want to be involved in any of it. 

There are many other stories of divorce and even other family members who decided they didn't like something another family member did and cut us all off as dead... what the heck's wrong with people ?? I'm sure I'm not alone. I would just like to know HOW you guys handle stuff like this ?

I've come to this point in my life where I don't want to be. I refuse to get close to ANYONE, as I believe it's just a matter of time before they hate me and want nothing to do with me. So now I look at current people in my life and wonder when they're going to hate me... My wife says I'm "jaded", I said I'm being realistic. Someone she did something very nice for recently, just totally disrespected her and made her cry, just solidating how I feel. She's a much better person than I. She can handle people and let things go.

Anyways, thanks for listening. I know, I probably sound like a whiner, but I really DO wish I could handle jerks/idiots much better.

I suppose I'm lucky, or maybe I just do my best to avoid confrontation scenarios, but I rarely have to deal with idiots in person. If it's on Facebook or wherever, I can block and/or ignore stupid people.

Behind the wheel, though, there are so few competent drivers and I get very frustrated when people cut me off or go too slow. I do my best to contain my anger and just breathe, and I make sure I don't do anything stupid (like passing unsafely), but man, some people...

The smartest thing to do is probably to be quiet. There are so many verses in Proverbs and elsewhere that speak against hasty action. After all, ya can't put a foot in your mouth if it's closed.

I don't know if that helps at all, but if it can, great.

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The smartest thing to do is probably to be quiet

This is wisdom. I don't know why I can't follow this wisdom.

It's simple enough, yet profound. I'm seriously thinking of posting this sentence above my phone at work. Thanks for that.   

Hey dude, I commend your honesty and openness.  I think I understand where you're coming from to a degree.  When you pour into people (however much - be it friendliness to coworkers or emotional intimacy with people you deeply love) and they leave you high and dry, it hurts.  The thing is, that's part of what makes it so profound when you DO find a healthy, mutually beneficial, and symbiotic relationship.  You can keep everyone at arm's length and probably do a pretty good job of remaining emotionally independent, calloused, and invulnerable, but to what end?  Love (in all forms) has its risks but I believe proportionate to those risks, great rewards.

There's a fine line between being jaded and realistic.  In my experience, I've found that setting realistic expectations for people is one of the best things you can do.  I would get so frustrated and drained when I'd hang out with a friend who all he'd do would be talk about himself, his future financial wealth, sexual escapades, and the like...  However, I finally realized that my expectations for a symbiotic friendship were unrealistic and reassessed it all.  Since then, our friendship has actually become much more healthy and balanced.  And there have been many times now in which he's really surprised me by his care for my well-being and life.

Anyways, people are always going let you down, be jerks, and betray you.  But we as humans also have the capacity to do wonderful things and to reflect/refract God's love in profound ways.  By stiff-arming everyone, you're going to shield yourself from all of that, which I think in the end most people may regret.

Hang in there.  These types of things seem to come and go in waves.  You'll get through this phase/season/time and I'm sure soon enough be reminded of the love God gives through His people.

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These types of things seem to come and go in waves.

Man you said it ! Good stuff there.
With family and friends I think I've always had a tendency to keep them at arm's length (nobody likes getting hurt). The only 2 people I've kept close to me are God and my wife (and even then, I feel afraid sometimes to be so vulnerable to even her). 
My older brother had a bumper sticker on his truck back in the 80s = "People Suck!" (Today he's a strong believer who is amazingly forgiving) - Though I realize this, being a "people" who sucks and has failed other people, I still allow myself to be hurt or pissed by people who do "sucky" things to me.
If only I can keep in mind that these things come in waves, just like my back pain and surgeries come and go, then I could see things from an eternal perspective, or at least beyond the moment - I could then handle my current sitch so much better.

I guess an example of what I'm struggling with at this phase in my life is, my daughter has a new man that she's all in love with. She's a big girl and can do her own thing, but I'm just having a hard time being anything more than friendly to her new man. I'm not an a$$ to him or anything, I just don't want to be all chummy and welcoming.
The cynic in me is thinking "how long before things go sour there and he goes his way wanting nothing to do with us?"
See how bad my diagnosis is ?

Show how ugly sin is, and we are all covered in it. I had to take stock of some of my online practices and made changes of who i'll even be in contact with which is why i'm not on that other board. As far as personal stuff, there are no easy answers and I get you.

Guilty/Forgiven wrote:

Quote :

The smartest thing to do is probably to be quiet

This is wisdom. I don't know why I can't follow this wisdom.

It's simple enough, yet profound. I'm seriously thinking of posting this sentence above my phone at work. Thanks for that.   

I don't know if you've seen it before, but Bill Menchen posted on Facebook the proverb "A closed mouth gathers no feet". Might want to hang that above your phone, if that's your type of humour.

But yeah, I try my best to not speak too hastily… I fail at that sometimes, but thankfully I can erase what I'm writing before I actually say something online. The real tough part is when I'm confronting someone in person, and I don't really have time to think of a wise reply. In that case, I do take a few seconds to eliminate the really bad things I could say, and hope that the others aren't really bad.

I think a lot of us struggle with when to speak up and when to shut up.  I get into trouble by jumping in both feet into a conversation online and saying what I feel.  However, did I bother to ask God if He wanted me to speak at all?  Nope.

I also make a terrible friend.  Being in the ministry, you soon discover that there are people who do not like you within your church and will do anything to get rid of you.  Sure, I know it is there sin issue to deal with, but it also puts a lot of extra pressure on you.  You have got to set an example and love them.  You'd like to bust a few in the nose!  As you find out more and more about out a certain group is always working behind the scenes to derail what you are doing, the more I want to pull back from people altogether.

Of course, I've always had trust issues with people and a fear of rejection.  So, I've always stayed kind of guarded with people.  I just make a terrible friend.  I don't call people like I should and don't really feed friendships like I should.  I have absolutely no male friends that I actually hang out with on any basis whatsoever.  Friends hurt you or stab you in the back.  Friends move away.  You even have some that are friends while a certain common interest you have is fun, but they run when the good times slow down.  So, I stay guarded and don't reach out.  Yet, I am sometimes starved to death for a couple of dudes to hang with or jam with.

So, Jim, how do I deal with the pressures of relationships?  As you can see, not very well.

Having brothers and sisters like ya'all to share things with is a great thing for me. I feared (a tiny bit) when I was posting this that I'd get a righteous correction on what I already know is my shortcoming... yet what I got were loving suggestions and people NOT being all "holy" and fake - I got responses that we're all REAL people with our own imperfections and relationship flaws. You guys aren't afraid to open up and show your own shortcomings... and that is one of the TOP reasons I love it here with you guys.

Thank you for being real. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone struggling with personality problems and relationship issues.

Ironically, I think if we lived closer, most of us would probably be excellent friends for each other. Friends who we could hang with and jam with   

I'm glad I decided to post this and not hold it in. There's a lot of wisdom, ideas, and equality here that's really helped me.
You guys and gals ROCK !

Guilty/Forgiven wrote:

...people with our own imperfections and relationship flaws... your own shortcomings...

Hey now, watch it who you're calling imperfect and flawed!!!  I take offense! 

Oh, sorry Kerrick. All except Kerrick !    

kerrick wrote:

Guilty/Forgiven wrote:

...people with our own imperfections and relationship flaws... your own shortcomings...

Hey now, watch it who you're calling imperfect and flawed!!!  I take offense! 

Yes, and you are so humble too.

I don't have any close friends (with the exception of my wife).  I think it is mostly for the reasons you guys have posted here.  If it wasn't for this board I wouldn't communicate with anyone outside of my immediate family and 3 coworkers (and I wouldn't count any of my coworkers as friends).  It may be sad but it's easier to keep from being hurt or having someone disappointed in you if you don't get close to them.  But it can be rather lonely too.

I had a couple close friends in Portland, only a couple but up here at the ranch it's zilch.

I am not a really sociable person. I have a very small circle of friends, and I treasure them greatly. I am much like Chris, in that I really want to be able to hang out with other friends, but I don't have a lot of trust in folks. Sure they could prove that they are true friends, like the ones I have (and once doubted as well), but I am circumspect with new friendships. Wondering if they're only in it for themselves, waiting to dump me the moment they get what they're after. Worried that if I do make new friends, that I'll lose them through either death or something like moving away. I built a shield around me because I feared being hurt. Even if being hurt were to never happen, I still would not take the chance and find out for myself.

I came from a childhood where I suffered a lot of bad things. I trusted my father as a child, and he broke that trust before I was ever 10 years old. By the time I was 16, I didn't give a crap about new friendships and new beginnings. I had myself, and I refused to have it any other way.

And now it's been over 25 years since I began suffering the things my father put me through. I reluctantly joined a church home group 2 years ago, wondering if I would ever go back. They gave an ear to all my complaining about my hurts, even when I refused to even listen to their hurts at first. The seed of healing began 2 years ago in my associate pastor's home, and today I think of him and his wife as my adopted parents. And last month, I was able to finally begin to look forward to living life without constantly keeping myself stuck in my past. I guess what I'm trying to say it, it isn't always instantaneous. 

If anyone want to discuss this more with me, PM me. I am not going to let my bitterness turn into another hate filled diatribe against my father, but I am not going to hide behind a wall of shame anymore, either.

Really sounds like all of us have a LOT in common. Jus sayin'

Yeah, it does sound like that. I don't have too many close friends, if any. My brother is probably the person I trust the most. We talk (usually text, since he lives out of town) almost every day. We didn't really get along until he moved out.

I sort of wish I had more friends, but I'd rather have one real friend than have any fake friends. "There is a friend who is closer than a brother" - somewhere in Proverbs.

Guilty/Forgiven wrote:

Really sounds like all of us have a LOT in common. Jus sayin'

OK, Jim wasn't man enough to say it. We're all a bunch of losers!    I mean introverts.

That's just it--I don't see myself really as an introvert per se.   When in a large group, I am a big cut up and show out.  I can be quite the people greeter and sometimes even life of the party (church party, that is).  But, I just don't let people get close.  I don't know if it is just because I don't trust people completely or if I am just too lazy to work on the relationship.

All I know is this:  I wish my friends (all of you guys and girls) lived a lot closer.

Here's a question. Would we allow each other in if we lived close? There's safety behind this screen.

topshot rhit wrote:

Guilty/Forgiven wrote:

Really sounds like all of us have a LOT in common. Jus sayin'

OK, Jim wasn't man enough to say it. We're all a bunch of losers!    I mean introverts.

 See, I was just trying to be nice and you go and get all literal on me ! LOL
I truly think "Nerd" like tendencies have gotten a bad rap - We need to come out of our Office Closets and shout out loud "We're a bunch of Nerds and we don't care !!!!!"

Alldat - I'm the same way. I CAN be outgoing, mix in and be social... but I don't WANT to. I'd rather NOT. That's my thing. I avoid people and social situations as much as possible (which is tough on my wife cuz she IS social and likes mingling).


RF Wrote:

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There's safety behind this screen.

I am in full agreement. Though I can chat and hang out with someone, I'd MUCH rather do it behind my screen.

I spent years kicking myself and feeling bad for the way I am socially and tried so hard to "fit in" like all the other cliques at Church, but in recent years, I've come to accept who I am and become comfortable with myself. God made us this way, and He also gave us an awesome outlet for our needs to chat about things we like that no one else around us (physically) cares to talk about.

I think CHM is an excellent outlet for us and joking aside, we're not losers or nerds or geeks or whatever - we're children of the Most Holy One !
 I think God makes things like CHM as a gift to us so we can fellowship, hang out and chat. I acknowledge our loving Father and thank Him for caring enough about even us to provide this means of communication and fellowship. Three cheers for God !!! (you know, since He's Father, Son, and Holy Spirit)

This is a great thread. I know I'm guilty of harbouring anger and bitterness. For the most part I'm pretty fun loving and jovial - but I do have a mean side. I always have to get the last word. Lol but at the same time I want everyone to like me. I think the way you feel is pretty normal. Infact I think our situations are similiar in a lot of ways.

One thing that I believe is imperative for God's kids to do is to find like-minded believers and be real with each other. One thing I hate about Church is that everyone dresses up and puts on this "Christian" do-good persona - whether intentional or not. People feel like, since they're at church, they have to be especially good, like we're closer to God's presence there than anywhere else. I believe in reverence before God and being a good example, but something all of us have been transparent about in these last few posts is, we are fallen humans with our own specific shortcomings, yet are covered by Y'Shua's Blood making us holy before the Father.

I want to be less bitter, and have a better attitude when handling people-  but I'm imperfect while in this fallen body. That's not an excuse to give up trying to be holy, but it's a fact that I will never attain in this life.

I use to be more "fun and jovial" (that's such a cool word   ), but when I walk past a waiting room full of patients, I find myself avoiding eye contact and I act as though I'm so busy I have to bolt pass them. Reason is, in the past, (one example of many) I've said hi to people only to get a barrage of "why didn't you approve my refill for Vicodin ?? Now I have to take time off work and come here just to get my refill... blah blah blah" - and I try to explain Dr's rules about specific refills, but they don't want to hear it.
So, not to get into my career issues, but you get the picture. I don't even want to say Hi to anyone for fear of the next disgruntled person. And it's a shame cuz I used to be open and friendly to everyone, now I just avoid them.

I am so over the "reverence before the Lord" thing at church.  I think that reverence is a heart attitude and a mindset--not being super quiet or faking politeness.  I tell people that I am a spiritual screw up and always will.  I am loud when I talk and I sing loudly, too.  I think it's okay to clap in church or say "Amen" or give out a good shout if the Spirit of God is moving you.  I think it's to tell people the truth that your day just sucks when they ask you how you are doing.  I believe you can play any instrument you want in church and pretty much any style of music as long as you are aware that not everyone will appreciate it.  You can even dance if you'd like.  In my ultra-traditional church, I tend to be a square peg.  However, the Lord sent me there for the youth and I will stay until I feel that I have been released from service to Him there.

Reverence is a word that churches like mine use to keep the younger generations quiet while they lock themselves into traditions that they enjoy.  Sadly, it puts a church into death mode as the only new people you attract are like-minded elderly people.  The youth with go to a more vibrant church with their parents if they are not feeling like there is anything for them at your church.  I am watching this happen and no one wants to listen.

Tell them you're just following Psalm 150.