The Ramblings of a Hardened Heart Vol. 2

I am a weak man.
Many would say I'm rather strong as I deal with a lot of pain on a daily and nightly basis (without going out of my mind - though I've had my moments).
The Bible speaks a lot about the weak being blessed, in our weakness He is strong, not to look at our sufferings as a bad thing, but welcoming them as something that makes us stronger and draws us closer to God (I'm doing a terrible job at paraphrasing, but you get the gist)..

All that said, I seem to have more of a love/hate relationship with God. Though I would never say I hate God, my actions, in all honesty, show a frustration with life and an anger at having to deal with stuff, and I find myself blaming God for having to suffer with the pains I have, then having other pains showered on top of those pains.

I always dreamed of being a Soldier for Christ, a lover of God who stood strong in the face of anything... but today, I've walked away from Church, I read my Bible every few days, rather than daily as in the days when I couldn't get enough of the Word...

I realize others have it worse than me and still have this amazing testimony, I mean, you see people paralyzed, or with no legs, or with no arms OR legs... and these people aren't wallowing around in a dark place.

I've dealt with tough love, I've dealt with counseling (Christian and Non), I've dealt with loving help....

Which leads me to believe I am a weak man. I have cursed at God in my pain, I have cursed my life and desired death.
I know the Truth, and I believe the Truth - I've even had multiple amazing experiences with God. Yet here I am, not growing... or am I ? Is this going to end ? I know many examples in the OT where God's own didn't even start their ministries until they were 80 !! Or they had to suffer loss for many years before arriving to where God wanted them. Is this where I am ??? Idk....

This has been another episode of the Ramblings of a Hardened Heart. Thank you for listening  

Hmm, in some ways I feel like I'm right there with you.  While I am not in physical pain, I definitely suffer from loneliness, under-utilization/worthlessness in terms of God's kingdom, a general lack of joy/happiness, and the like.  I'm not really sure what to say to you that'd be encouraging.      Stagnation is the absolute worst though.  I've been wrestling with this all very recently and so I'll share some of my thoughts (though please understand, they're still being formulated).

1.  Mission and Purpose.  That's what I seek.  God has outlined clearly in the Bible how He wants us to live our lives by seeking first His kingdom and His righteousness.  Ok, but He also created each and every one of us specifically and carefully - each with our own God-given strengths, passions, spiritual gifts, and means by which we are to shine His love towards others.  How are we to each "rise up" to our own "calling" in the spiritual sense???  I think especially as men, we yearn for and desire purpose to be fulfilled.  How are we to attain that fulfillment?

2.  Submission.  On the flip-side of the above coin, how are we to submit to allow God to work through us instead of focusing on what "I can do"???  I yearn to rise up and proactively become the man God intends me to be, yet there's also a critical aspect of humility in the equation that calls for letting go and submitting.  I'm not sure where that balance lies just yet.

3.  Joy vs Happiness.  In my mind I know and accept God's grace and mercy for us and realize I don't deserve any of it.  That should give me great joy to know I'm free.  Yet I seem to just take it for granted.  I'm not sure if I truly realize that joy or just how to???  How does it look to accept that joy and live by it?  How does happiness fall into all that?

Anyways, that's some of what I've been wrestling with lately.  Perhaps that'll help get you thinking about the "right" stuff or move you in a direction that's fulfilling.  And any words of wisdom y'all might have would be greatly appreciated!

I have experienced what you describe to some degree G/F. I have sleep apnea which means i'm TIRED all the time and most people don't understand and give advice like, just sleep a little more at night. I've read a lot about lack of sleep and it's dangers and understand why it's used as a torture tactic, it can break you.
But, my expectations of this life aren't that I will feel giddy/happy all the time and though I cling to Jesus by my fingernails I try to still cling and to serve Him. I fall but I try not to stay down. I take the promise that in this world you will have trouble very seriously but I take heart as He has overcome the world.
 I've found a big help to be in serving others and since it's my vocation I get to do it almost daily. It's wearying at times but also rewarding.
Hang in my friend.

I think for all three of us (so far) in this thread, the answer lies in what Redeemed Fool just said:

Quote :

I've found a big help to be in serving others

Every time I've had an opportunity to bless someone else or do something FOR someone anonymously, or even help someone with a kind word or gesture... these are the times I feel fulfilled and used of God. These are the times I feel purpose (something men especially need to feel).

In my case, pain has afforded me the selfishness to only consider my own pain and focus on myself. This has affected my relationship with God and even my own wife.

I think the goal would be to figure out someway to divert our attention to others in need, people that we have the ability to help.

Thoughts ?

Quote :

Stagnation is the absolute worst though.  I've been wrestling with this all very recently and so I'll share some of my thoughts (though please understand, they're still being formulated).

Don't think that just because you guys aren't paid ministers that you are the only ones who go through these feelings.  As a youth pastor, I feel very stagnant.  For months, I've felt like I was just one bad sermon or lesson away from losing the whole group.  I feel about as effective as a screen door on a submarine.  Sometimes, I feel that changing churches and starting new as a senior pastor or as a youth pastor somewhere else would be good for me, but that door just isn't opening.  I want to know that the work I do is making a difference with these kids, but I just don't see personal growth from them in my opinion.  Sometimes I feel excited about what I do, but a lot of times I just feel burned out and hollow.

I am also perturbed with many of the parents of my youth.  I see a lot of my kids being disengaged and uninterested in Christ, the church, serving others, etc.  What aggravates me is that I see their parents in the same way while the parents are looking to me to inspire their children.

With all my efforts to teach/preach God's word, I know I could do a lot more.  On the flip side, I feel that my current efforts are almost completely in vain and that more effort would just be me spinning my wheels.

So, it's very frustrating to me.  I pray about it, but still am not seeing a change.  I keep hoping that God will give me a vision for the direction of this group, but I've got nothing. 

Ok, at least I feel better putting that out there.

I've found that when I experience pain no matter what the issue is one of two things is true. God either sent it or He allowed it. Sometimes He has to send some hardships and suffering if it's in response to sin in your life. In other words he'll send a Nathan. Most of the time in my day to day living I believe he simply allows it. Why would God allow you to go thru what you're going thru? I don't know! Lol I know good answer! Seriously I think He sometimes allows certain things to happen to get you to rely on Him and to seek and grow close to Him.

Here's something that happened to me once. I went through a brief period of depression. I went to my pastor and I said that I havent felt close to God lately. His response was "Guess who moved?"

Oh man Chris, thanks for sharing that. I feel that all the time and it is encouraging that you opened up and shared. Good things to pray about.

"Effective as a screen door on a submarine"

Dude, I have Rich Mullins' greatest hits CD and that quote is in one of his songs. So much of his stuff was spot on.

Also, Chris, about kids and their folks:

One of my friends who drives a church van and picks up kids for church told me that the parents have zero interest in coming to church to see how their kids are growing. To them, church is just another way to get rid of their kids for a few hours.

Well, it seems I'm in good company here = believers with similar downtrodden positions. 

I'm thinking that our goal to reach in all of this is "contentment". I am the king of discontentment, and I'm seeing many here who would fit in my kingdom just fine.

I'm not minimizing our situations with humor... I'm making a point that if we're truly desiring God's will right now, and these are the situations we're in (Pain, Discontentment, under-utilization, etc) then we need to believe this is where God wants us and to trust that these years will pass and we'll get to marry Rachel... despite being stuck with Leah.

My problem is I can't believe in my own counsel. It's truth too.
I actually think everyone's posts have given me something to seriously consider... fascinating.

Well since we are in confession mode.

I spent the latter half of last year wondering If I was still a Christian. I didn't doubt God, but I doubted that I was one of his children. I didn't feel inspired to read my bible at all, I skipped church for several months and i completely dropped the ball leading my family spiritually.

I have started taking my family back to church this year, and I'm reading my bible again (although sporadically), but I'm definitely not feeling close to God yet.

Must be something in the water (insert laughs here)

Sorry. Seriously, what's going on with us ? We KNOW what we know. We have firm foundations we stand on... and yet, just like Staybrite, I've doubted my own salvation.

I started these threads as a bold move to state facts that I'm not real comfortable with admitting and sharing my weaknesses and hardness of heart in recent years... and yet it seems as though we are coming together on these issues and perhaps realizing we're just humans God chose as His own and not super-Christians.

I really think this kind of discussion is healthy. For me to be completely honest with everyone and wear my heart on my sleeve (or however that silly saying goes), is something I usually only do when I'm at my lowest... but recently it seems like I'm fed up with being an anemic Christian... I want my faith to go to my heart and not just my head.

I'd like to propose something. Several months ago I had a good friend here be my accountability buddy during a time when I was abusing my pain meds (yes I just said that out loud) (and no it wasn't the first time I've done that) - It helped so much to have that person checking up on me and sending me random messages of inspiration and Scripture.

My point here is it WORKED.

God talks about Iron sharpening Iron, we've heard that a zillion times... but I think maybe there could be something we could do corporately to help one another.
Is there something we could do or set up here where we have a Bible book we could all agree on reading and set a time where we check in just to say we've read a chapter or whatever ?... again, I'm just rambling what's on my mind. If someone has a better idea, I want to be the first in line.

Tell me if I'm off my rocker and need to back off.... or let's start throwing ideas around in a thread all of it's own dedicated to helping each other here get back into His Word and deal with the issues each of us has. And perhaps talk about what we got from a passage, or how something we read applied to what happened in their life that day...

I know some things have been started in the Biblical Discussion and Prayer section, and I've enjoyed the daily Scriptures and Wisdom... but I wish we could do something cool and creative here in Warped Drive, since we're ALL a little warped right now.

If anything I need this from you guys. What say ye ? Anyone game ?

Well, we already know you're off your rocker but I believe having a Bible study group, per se, would be good to have.

Guilty/Forgiven wrote:

Tell me if I'm off my rocker and need to back off.... or let's start throwing ideas around in a thread all of it's own dedicated to helping each other here get back into His Word and deal with the issues each of us has. And perhaps talk about what we got from a passage, or how something we read applied to what happened in their life that day...

I think that sounds like a fantastic idea, count me in! (and yes I agree we have known you are off your rocker for quite some time.....but in a good way)

Guilty/Forgiven wrote:

....Several months ago I had a good friend here be my accountability buddy during a time when I was abusing my pain meds (yes I just said that out loud) (and no it wasn't the first time I've done that) - It helped so much to have that person checking up on me and sending me random messages of inspiration and Scripture

Very brave of you to share that with us brother.  And while I've never abused pain meds I have abused other substances so I can understand how easy it is to slip into that.

I wonder if we look to how we feel too much? What does feeling saved mean? I don't doubt my salvation but I struggle with feeling close to God and wonder if i'm doing what I should? Somehow, when I started doing vocational ministry I thought that would be taken care of.

So if any of y'all are on the Metal Helm email newsletter, you'll have already seen this.  I got this a few days ago and finally just got around to reading it.  It's got a lot of stuff that directly relates to the topic at hand.

Jason from Metal Helm wrote:

“Man of Many Troubles”
 
A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all... Psalm 34:19
 
This piece of ancient scripture hit me square between the eyes. Perhaps I had never read this verse before. Perhaps it had never stood out to me like it has now. Such is one of the many wonderful attributes of God’s unchanging and ever-revealing Word.
 
Upon reading this verse, I was convicted – convicted on many levels…
 

1. As a man of God, a man that strives to obey God, thus being righteous, why have I always fooled myself into believing that I should have a peaceful life? Why would I think that I should have a lack of troubles? The sin nature within me wars at my soul bringing with it a victim mentality that attempts to conclude that I should have no issues and if I do it is everyone else’s fault – blame it on the world. So, I have lived a life of blaming, blaming, blaming… and making excuses for troubles that I viewed as brought on by others and even those troubles brought on by myself. Yet, God does not promise us as, who are Christ-followers, a life of ease and relaxation. He has not done any of the such. In fact He says “In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world” John 16:33. Jesus Himself stated it quite clearly, “Do not think that I came to bring peace on the earth; I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.” Matthew 10:34 (NASB). He brings the sword of the Lord (the Bible) as the dividing scythe between good and evil, black and white, truth and lies, trouble and peace. Jesus is the King. He is a fighting King that wars for the souls of mankind to bring them everlasting peace in paradise upon the coming of each person’s death. He also fights to empower us to live free in the truth of His love and unfailing word. As King David penned back in the day, “A Righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all…” (Psalm 34:19)
   
2. I should live transformed! “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come” 2 Corinthians 5:17 (NASB). I should arise each day prepared for war and in doing so, arm myself with the truth of God’s Word and be in constant communion (communication/relationship) with Jesus. I should strive to make righteous choices in accordance’s with scripture. I should not make decisions based on man’s wisdom or personal theology, but by God’s Word alone, no matter how others deal with it or how the world views it. My life should be aligned in obedience with the Most High God. The blessing is that I have “peace that passes all understanding,” (Philippians 4:7) even peace that flies in the face of all the troubles that can and/or will come my way.
   
3. As a warrior of light, I have been saved from eternal torment! For this very reason alone, I should rejoice! The surpassing peace of mind that consumes me knowing that when my death comes, I shall see my Savior and party in paradise forever. What joy! How totally awesome! Rockin’ on for eternity never to lament, never to depress, never to toil, never to doubt, never to burden all that my flesh does. My soul shall experience freedom like never before… and it will never end!
   
4. I should always look for and proclaim joy in all circumstances! “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing” as James admonishes us in 1:2-4 (NASB). It’s not a simple Bible verse that makes you feel good. It is the truth. It is a command and a challenge. FIND THE JOY! Look to the horizon to see the Lord’s victory in all situations. Live with fire and passion and intensity and intentionality at all times in all predicaments’. Never say die! Operate in faith and be triumphant with the big things in life and with the small things in life, never giving the devil a foothold. See the glass as half full instead of half empty… not because of vanity and false hope but because of hope, truth, and love in God and the might of Jesus Christ!
   

 
Troubles are temporary. Tests refine us. Therefore, burn away the dross and overcome. Be kindled with joy in the name of the Lord…
 
For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:17

Jim, there have been so many times where I went through some of the things you talk about, and some of those things are things I am still going through. It sucks, trust me. But you already know that.

2 months ago, I got a new job at Dollar General. I went in there knowing full well that I would be giving up a lot of my "church time" in order to work there. I was prepared. Or so I thought.

Not being around my church brethren has caused me to have doubts about my own heart. Because, back then, I had people to hold me accountable while they listened to my constant ramblings and ravings about my crappy life and helped me to pursue Christ deeper. Now that I'm not getting those chances much like I used to, I feel like I'm all alone. I write a lot of prose on facebook as an outlet of expression, but it seems like it's just all for nothing. I'm not getting any encouragement. No one says anything to me that would help lift up my spirits. It's frustrating. The only upside here is that there is a couple in my church who I adopted as my own parents, and I love them more than my real parents. I look at them as gifts from God Himself to me. I visit them often and go out of my way to make sure that I see them at least every week or two.

I and my wife live with my mother in law, and my wife's brother also lives in the same house. And the atmosphere is always anything except civil. My wife wasn't saved when I married her (story for another time) and I wasn't exactly a good husband for a number of years, and I am always haunted with the possibility that her hateful attitude and demeanor was something she picked up from me.

I am the only believer in my home who is trying to show the love of Christ. I feel so outnumbered that it's just overwhelming. When the sparks start flying, I either leave the house or put on my headphones. 

Although I know that Scripture exhorts us to rejoice in our trials and hardships, that is one thing I have never been able to do. I wish I could learn.