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Dynamis

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Number of posts : 1515
Localisation : Arizona
Registration date : 2007-04-28

PostSubject: Family Drama/Issues   Sun Apr 22, 2018 7:57 pm

I do not post a lost of details about my personal life here at CHM because fact is there is not a lot to report on- my life you could say is exceedingly boring!

That said, I know some here have posted about family related drama and issues and so hope I am not crossing the line of 'too much information' but here goes...

I have a younger sister (roughly four years junior) in which basically I have no relationship with.  We have barely spoken at all within the past 30 years or so.  She used to be part of the faith but dropped out following a bad experience with a legalistic Pentecostal church.  This started a repeat pattern in my life in that she is not the only person in which I once was close with/best of friends that abandoned the faith only to turn into a hard, cold and distant person.

Anyone else have similar experiences?

But that is not the point, however, in that the other day I received an e-mail from my stepmother essentially advising my sister is struggling financially to the point of being homeless.  Basically, it comes down to an inability to pay a property tax bill on her house.  Problem is that I do not know all of the details, but she is on some form of disability due to an unknown injury and is either unable or unwilling to work.

My argument is that she should give up the house and move into an apartment.  My stepmother is suggesting that we each send her a certain amount of money to help cover the cost of per property taxes, which I grudgingly agreed to do.

James 4:17 talks about knowing the good you ought to do but not doing it is sin.

So what is the good thing to do in this scenario?  Basically, I request prayer for wisdom in this situation.  On one hand, I am not adverse to helping out a family member financially, but it is also a person that has not done a good job managing her finances over the years.  As a result, I do not wish to become co-dependent or enabling of her behavior.  So is sending money the good thing to do in this situation?  Or rather is the good thing to do nothing and let the situation run its course and let her get taxed out of the house.  I do not wish to come across cold or heartless but if that is the right thing to do then that is the course to take.

Making the issue further problematic is that she is not working but that is also due to some type of injury in which she is on disability.  So there is some leeway in that regard.

Again, hopefully I did not go into too much detail here.
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topshot rhit



Number of posts : 3028
Localisation : Indiana
Registration date : 2007-01-30

PostSubject: Re: Family Drama/Issues   Sun Apr 22, 2018 8:28 pm

I do not have much to say than what is the Spirit telling you to do? Being family is one thing, but blowing you off for 30 years is another. Is that just you or the whole family? Doesn't mean not to show compassion, however, if that is what you feel convicted to do. She may just be a prodigal eating with the pigs right now.

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"If you are not concerned about your neighbor's salvation,
you should be concerned about your own."
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Staybrite

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Age : 50
Localisation : Seattle
Registration date : 2007-02-08

PostSubject: Re: Family Drama/Issues   Sun Apr 22, 2018 8:37 pm

Really tough, I could definitely see you going either way.  If  you approach the issue with prayer (and not out of anger) you might feel lead to go a certain direction.  I definitely would NOT do it, if it is going to put you into financial difficulty.  If you can afford it, and do do not have a history with repeatedly giving her money to help her with her problems I can certainly see doing it (not that I am giving you any kind of instruction here).  Will be praying for you either way..
Whatever you do don't beat yourself up if it doesn't work out for her.

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"I used to be indecisive.......... Now I'm not sure."


Last edited by Staybrite on Mon Apr 23, 2018 11:57 am; edited 1 time in total
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bassdude

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Localisation : Hannibal, MO
Registration date : 2012-06-08

PostSubject: Re: Family Drama/Issues   Mon Apr 23, 2018 8:08 am

I come from a large family...I am the oldest of 8 kids. Myself and the next 2 down are responsible productive members of society, we have good jobs, own homes, pay taxes, take care of our families, the whole thing.
The younger 5, 3 boys and 2 girls, are a different story entirely....drug problems, alcohol addiction, inability to hold jobs, kids with multiple partners, in and out of jail for various offenses....the youngest of them is 32, and 3 of them live with my Mom, who enables them constantly by financing their stupidity because she doesn't want to be alone since Dad passed away last year. 
I have come to the point where I have to prioritize taking care of my wife and kids...I refuse to give any of them a dime, I won't bail them out of jail, or financially help them in any way because they'll just waste whatever I give them.
With that being said, you're in kind of a tough spot. Much prayer required, I think.
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messiaen77

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PostSubject: Re: Family Drama/Issues   Mon Apr 23, 2018 9:03 am

A tough call.  I will join you in praying for wisdom.
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Fundy

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PostSubject: Re: Family Drama/Issues   Mon Apr 23, 2018 4:09 pm

Yes, that is a tough call.  I sort of agree with the idea of helping out a bit if you have the extra cash that would make it viable.  There's no point in helping out if it puts you in to financial difficulty.  I basically concur with what Staybrite has written, and emphasize the fact that if you do help out, then watch out if she comes back asking for more as this could make her situation worse.

When ever I think about lending or giving folk money I always have a little voice of caution whispering to me in the back of my head.  And that is because of something that happened to me a long time ago...

I gave some money to someone once who was in need.  He said he'd pay me back on payday (not that I was that worried about it).  A few months later he asked for some more, and I gave him some more.  A few months later he did the same again.  I thought I was helping him out, but it turned out I was helping his addiction.  My help was the complete opposite!

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Three Things for a better life...
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2 - Love one another.
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alldatndensum
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PostSubject: Re: Family Drama/Issues   Tue Apr 24, 2018 9:27 pm

This would be a tough spot to be in.

My deceased sister was really bad with money.  She was always needing financial help but would continue the same cycle of bad choices and needing help.  She would ask my mom to ask me.  My answer was simply that my sister needed to ask.  For some reason, she would not.  She would go to my dad or brother.

I have no problem helping someone in need.  I have a problem when I know I will be doing more harm than good by giving them money.  I won't give a homeless guy who smells like booze because I know he is going to go get drunk.

I say this because you have to weigh this in your decision.  Will giving the money to your sister do more harm than good?  If you don't give it, would she live with other family members or would you have to take her in?  If the latter, giving the money could cost you less.

I know I probably opened up more questions than give answers.  I tend to over think everything.

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I might have decided, or maybe not, that I should or shouldn't, depending on the issue or non-issue, to possibly share or not share, any thoughts, opinions, or facts (that might not be deemed factual by some), due to possible fear of any misinterpretation or retribution.
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rockerVu2



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PostSubject: Re: Family Drama/Issues   Wed Apr 25, 2018 12:50 pm

This is a rough situation to know what to do and what's wise dynamis.
I pray that God will show you what is wisdom and what you have to do and what not.
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Through The Dark Radio

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PostSubject: Re: Family Drama/Issues   Wed Apr 25, 2018 4:07 pm

If you can help her out, I would suggest it.  Having been what I've been through lately, I've relied on help from friends and family.  What your sister does with whatever money you give is not your problem.  Could you be enabling her?  Possibly.  But you could also be a lifeline that is needed.
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Dynamis

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PostSubject: Re: Family Drama/Issues   Thu Apr 26, 2018 8:58 pm

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and input.  Sometimes you have to trust your gut - I believe this is what topshot was referring to as 'what is the Spirit telling you' - and after sleeping on the matter felt it was best to send the money.

Sometimes you have to give someone the benefit of the doubt, and since there was some doubt due to her being on disability, felt it was the right thing to do.  But I do not wish to set a precedence either in that each year at tax time do not wish to have to write a check.  As if my property taxes are not high enough...

My main concern is whether or not the money is going towards paying bills, but that is out of my hand.  Just hope everything works out in the end.

Thanks again,
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Staybrite

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PostSubject: Re: Family Drama/Issues   Fri Apr 27, 2018 3:14 pm

Praying she uses the money to get herself out of financial trouble.  Despite what she does, you are a good brother.

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"I used to be indecisive.......... Now I'm not sure."
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rockerVu2



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PostSubject: Re: Family Drama/Issues   Sat Apr 28, 2018 10:19 am

That's where I pray for too.
That your sister is using the money to get herself of her financial trouble.
I agree with Gary, you are a good brother.
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