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Guilty/Forgiven

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PostSubject: Help I have a stalker !   Fri Apr 14, 2017 1:28 am

I've inquired with some of you privately in the past about this dude so you know who I'm talking about. I don't want to post his name here though.

So, a fellow music lover became a Facebook friend quite a while ago (not even sure when or how.. he just showed up). He has over 3000 "friends", but for some unknown reason, he chose ME to be his BEST BUDDY ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET. Apparently his 3000 friends don't want to PM chat with him, and I kinda understand why... he is incessant !

He insists on us talking on the phone which I won't do, and even more so, meeting in person. I've told him many times in the past that Lisa and I do not entertain. It's not Lisa's thing and even MORE so, not mine. I don't even have phone relationships with you guys on CHM that I love, let alone someone who stalks me and tends to insist on me liking things he likes.

I defriended him twice, only to have him badger me into re-friending him both times. I try to be a nice guy. I hate confrontation and I try to find quiet and nice ways to avoid people I just don't want to talk to, cuz I don't wanna hurt feelings or give someone the impression that I'm a jerk or anything. But this dude is driving me nutso ! I wish I wasn't the "nice guy" that I am, and I could just tell this dude to hit the road.

He doesn't know how to take a hint, and seems to have no clue that he is socially abnormal... I've chatted music with him, and other things, but for the most part I don't wanna chat.. he can't respect that, and he definitely won't take no for an answer.

I've compiled screenshots for your enjoyment. Lemme know what your take/diagnosis on this guy is :


Last edited by Guilty/Forgiven on Fri Apr 14, 2017 1:40 am; edited 2 times in total
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Guilty/Forgiven

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PostSubject: Re: Help I have a stalker !   Fri Apr 14, 2017 1:31 am

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Guilty/Forgiven

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PostSubject: Re: Help I have a stalker !   Fri Apr 14, 2017 1:33 am

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alldatndensum
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PostSubject: Re: Help I have a stalker !   Fri Apr 14, 2017 7:44 am

Facebook rule of thumb:  Feel free to unfriend anyone who isn't in your day to day life.  If it is someone you have never physically met, even better.  Just tell him that the relationship just feels stalker-ish and that you are VERY uncomfortable with it.  The truth is good.  Then, quietly defriend him.  Then, while you are on his page, keep looking at it until you find the "block" as well.  Deletion and blocking will fix it.  Do the same if he has your email.  It is totally okay.

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ishmael81

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PostSubject: Re: Help I have a stalker !   Fri Apr 14, 2017 8:46 am

I agree. If you don't know this guy IRL, defriend and block his silly little self. When you first started talking I thought maybe he has autistic/Asperger's and after reading the posts, I think that's not the case. Aspie's tend to overshare or just say weird, socially unacceptable things on Facebook.

But this guy? I don't know man. I kept waiting to see if he was going to ask if you had seen his puppy and if you wanted to ride in his van with no windows...
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Guilty/Forgiven

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PostSubject: Re: Help I have a stalker !   Fri Apr 14, 2017 9:22 am

Sometimes I wish I could stop being the nice guy, and just say whatever, ace him and move on. But we have talked about some cool music and other geek stuff, though he inevitably turns the conversation back to HIS interests, even though I don't share those interests.

I tried to let him "fade away" by ignoring him, but he's relentless ! He does NOT give up, even after months. He does have a disability, so I assumed his craziness was associated with that and felt bad for him... but now I just want him out of my life. But I feel bad. I hate this !

I'm ready to shut down FB altogether just to get away from him. But doubt I'll go to that extreme. Gonna probably ignore him again for a while "Then, quietly defriend him.  Then, while on his page, keep looking at it until I find the "block" as well." as Alldat said.  I just feel bad for the lil feller, like he's gonna be so sad that his only "buddy" nixed him. 

This sucks
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rockerVu2

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PostSubject: Re: Help I have a stalker !   Fri Apr 14, 2017 9:57 am

Things like this are not cool. no no.
You can block him on Facebook.
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alldatndensum
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PostSubject: Re: Help I have a stalker !   Fri Apr 14, 2017 10:04 am

But, at the same time, if you can work it through and set some ground rules, you might become fast friends, Jim.  I believe we have the same friend and I had to explain that I am not going to talk after 9 PMCST or before 6 AM.  I work a day job and can't talk then, either.  I haven't heard from him in months!  He just knows you are home and have no schedule.  Try putting on the rules and see what happens if you don't feel like being besties.

I love you guys, but I am probably not going to chat with any of you every day.  I'd love to do the phone thing with a few of you, but that wouldn't be a daily or weekly thing either.  Shoot!  I don't keep up with people I've met face to face that well!

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Staybrite

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PostSubject: Re: Help I have a stalker !   Fri Apr 14, 2017 10:34 am

I had a very similar situation with a young lady that I worked with right after I graduated high school.  She was relentless and badgered me incessantly about doing things together.  I thought when I got married it might cause her to back off, but it didn’t.  I left the state for 2-1/2 years when I was in the Army, but when I moved back she managed to track me down again.  I don’t understand why people are like this.  They are very needy and will prey on anyone who is kind enough not to completely shut them out.  I’m not even sure any of them even know what they are doing.  For your own piece of mind you are going to have to shut him out.  The only chance you have of getting him to stop is to completely (and I mean COMPLETELY!) cut off any communication with him.  After a time he will move on to some other poor sucker (sorry, but it’s true).  You can’t feel guilty for this.  Every time you respond to his constant needling you are enabling his neurosis.  Change your phone number if you need to, but you have to stop all communication with him.

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topshot rhit



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PostSubject: Re: Help I have a stalker !   Fri Apr 14, 2017 11:02 am

Not to make you feel any further guilt, but my guess is people like this feel like no one loves them so if they find anyone that shows interest they latch onto them. I could be totally off, but it's possible he just wants to feel loved like anyone else.

As such, I'd agree with alldat on setting some rules and if he breaks them a couple times, remind him that you're going to have to sever the relationship. Third strike and he's out or something along those lines.

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Xid

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PostSubject: Re: Help I have a stalker !   Fri Apr 14, 2017 11:07 am

Definitely need to remove/block this guy.  I hear ya on not wanting to hurt anybody's feelings but incessant pestering is so annoying.
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PostSubject: Re: Help I have a stalker !   Fri Apr 14, 2017 11:08 am

I knew I could get some excellent counseling here. I appreciate the feedback, and totally agree with everything.
Sometimes this reminds me of the whole "She eats cheese" and "Rob" thing, where he won't see the "nice" hints I've given, or even the hint of my ignoring him for long periods, and even defriending him.

I seem to be milk toast when it comes to people's feelings (unless they wrong me purposefully)

I still can't understand how he has over 3000 friends but picked me. Perhaps cuz in the beginning, years ago, I was the only one to engage him in conversation or whatever. Idk.

Honestly I don't want to set ground rules and keep him, I just want him out of my life. But I feel so bad to do that.


Quote :
I’m not even sure any of them even know what they are doing.
I agree, which makes it even more difficult

But I could share a LOT more about his badgering that would make even the police want to look into it. I assume he doesn't set out to be psycho, but about a year ago I flat out told him I don't do facebook visitors of people I've never met (which isn't completely true, there are some of you I'd love to meet and visit with), and he would NOT let it go. Post after post asking why not, wanting a valid answer. I eventually said the parental answer "cuz that's what I said and I mean it". Nope, not good enough. That was the first time I defriended him.

Ugh, I feel like he's Lenny and I'm George.
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alldatndensum
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PostSubject: Re: Help I have a stalker !   Fri Apr 14, 2017 11:16 am

If you have already unfriended him in the past, then I'd just go straight to the removal.  He's had the chances to straighten up.  Cut the ties and live in peace.

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Guilty/Forgiven

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PostSubject: Re: Help I have a stalker !   Fri Apr 14, 2017 11:21 am

Quote :
Not to make you feel any further guilt, but my guess is people like this feel like no one loves them so if they find anyone that shows interest they latch onto them. I could be totally off, but it's possible he just wants to feel loved like anyone else.

I would agree, however, this dude is married, has 3000+ friends (including some of you, whether you realize it or not), and frequents lots of Christian concerts. Surely I'm not the ONLY person he chats with. But he acts like I'm the only one he has. Then when I respond to a "Sup Jim" he talks all about his own interests wanting me to like what he likes, when many times I don't.

Example:
Him: I bought the entire Star Wars Rebels series. Are you watching that on TV ?
Me: No, haven't seen any yet.
Him: What ?????? You have to watch it !
Me: Maybe check it out some time

--- Now stop there. My answer is one of those "maybe but probably not" answers everyone gives. It's a nice way to respond instead of saying "Nope, not gonna watch it. Not my thing". Any one of you would leave it be, and totally forget you even recommended it to me, but then for the following weeks and MONTHS he will PM me and ask if I watched it yet ? He will incessantly talk about it.

This is not normal
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PostSubject: Re: Help I have a stalker !   Fri Apr 14, 2017 11:30 am

OK, fine, just block him then. Razz

But don't be surprised if he shows up on your doorstep one day. Twisted Evil

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Xid

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PostSubject: Re: Help I have a stalker !   Fri Apr 14, 2017 11:34 am

Give me your login info and I'll remove him for you.
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Guilty/Forgiven

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PostSubject: Re: Help I have a stalker !   Fri Apr 14, 2017 11:42 am

LOL ! You guys crack me up Laughing

And it's a very valid statement about him showing up one day. He exhibits scary stalker traits that have made me worry he WILL hunt me down someday and visit me to death affraid
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PostSubject: Re: Help I have a stalker !   Fri Apr 14, 2017 11:42 am

In your situation, I'd also feel kind of bad for blocking this person. However, the clearest thing to do is block. Like you said, he has plenty of friends already, and is married. It might sting, but he's infringing on reasonable limits.
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Through The Dark Radio

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PostSubject: Re: Help I have a stalker !   Fri Apr 14, 2017 11:47 am

Sup, Jim. lol!
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Guilty/Forgiven

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PostSubject: Re: Help I have a stalker !   Fri Apr 14, 2017 11:57 am

Through The Dark Radio wrote:
Sup, Jim. lol!


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PostSubject: Re: Help I have a stalker !   Fri Apr 14, 2017 12:17 pm

Situations like this are always problematic.  As the way I see it - and not to get up on a soap box here - as Christians we are called to kindness and compassion.  That is why in my opinion we should make every effort to stick with people and give others the benefit of the doubt.  That being said, if you attempt to set boundaries with someone and that person ignores them, then perhaps it is best to move on (and that sounds like the situation here).

This is an area that is really difficult: as fellow believers, when is it right and appropriate to completely cut off someone?  When is it appropriate to end a friendship? - while upholding Christian values at the same time.  Sometimes you have to walk a fine line in this area, which I find troubling.  It seems to leave more questions unanswered.

What is also troubling is that it sounds as if he is attempting to get you interested in things you have no interest in.  Does it work the other way around: Does he make an attempt to talk about things you are interested but in which he is not interested?  That would be a mark of a true friend in my books.  Friendship cannot be one sided- am I out of line to suggest friendship is not just about things two people share but also what they do not share?

If reminds of somewhat similar circumstances I have faced in the past.  I grew up as a young person playing Dungeons & Dragons and other such games.  The relationships with the guys I gamed with were for the most part superficial: the only time we spent time together was sitting at the gaming table; our only conversations were based upon gaming.  So it came as no surprise that as each of us moved on in life in terms of establishing careers, starting families, etc, we all grew apart in that outside of gaming we had no real friendship to call back upon.

Enter an individual who I will refer to as 'Chad'.  I gamed with chad for years and years dating back to the eighties.  He developed an almost obsession with gaming, which he maintains to this day- gaming well into the late night several times each week despite being married and working a full time job.

The problem is that Chad does not seem to recognize any form of friendship as it exists outside the game table.  If back in the day he would call me to set up a weekend gaming session and I would turn him down (for legitimate life reasons) he would sulk.  If I would suggest some other activity such as why don't we have lunch or just hang out, he would turn you down, but when it came time to schedule a gaming session, he would be the first person to call.  If you engage him in conversation about a non gaming related matter, he would ultimately change the subject to gaming.

The problem with Chad is that he would only show interest in gaming but showed no interest in your interests as they might extend outside of gaming.  For example, we went to college together and managed the schools Christian radio station- so we share similar tastes in music.  Yet, when I was in the developmental stages of Angelic Warlord, I would attempt to get his input and feedback, but he would show no interest.  Once the site was online, I sent him the link and he did not respond.  He probably has not even so much as even visited the site.

This is when the light bulb went on: Chad is not a true friend but rather a gaming companion.  When you come to an understanding that someone is really not a friend, then perhaps it is time to move on- and perhaps this applies to your situation.
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alldatndensum
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PostSubject: Re: Help I have a stalker !   Fri Apr 14, 2017 12:36 pm

Chad say, "Do you want to play a game?"


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PostSubject: Re: Help I have a stalker !   Fri Apr 14, 2017 12:37 pm

He's clearly not a friend in the sense that he cares about the things of Jim. Unlike Chad, he has a handful of interests, some of which do not interest me in the least, but I've been nice to him and pretended to appreciate his interests and even talk about them. That's what friends and spouses do.


Quote :
Does he make an attempt to talk about things you are interested but in which he is not interested?

Absolutely not. An example is above where I shared a very difficult and sensitive subject with him, and he immediately changed the subject. Happens all the time. I shared a picture of me getting a Tauntaun for Christmas in 1981, he didn't even acknowledge it, but started talking about something else.

I once got the impression, as Ishmael said, that he had Autism or something similar. Another reason I've hung in there for nearly FOUR years as his friend. But it's reached a point where I cannot take it anymore. I can't tell you how many times he's told me he wants to call me, skype, and especially visit.

As a Christian, my walk has seen better days due to life's circumstances, and I long to become stronger in Him. I know the Spirit is still at work in me as I have compassion and don't want to hurt even a crazy person who annoys me, but this guy is driving me crazy !

CHM is the only place I drop in once in a while and talk at length. FB is like fast food for me. I do hit and runs. Pop it open, see what people have posted, post a silly music thing or whatever, then close out. I don't use it to have long conversations. And I know if I respond to his "Sup", that I will be committed to a LONG conversation of meaningless jibber about stuff that doesn't interest me, and a conversation that I will get NOTHING from. As a Christian, I've chatted with him all these years cuz I wanted to be a friend TO him, but like I said... I'm at wits end now.
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PostSubject: Re: Help I have a stalker !   Fri Apr 14, 2017 12:39 pm

After reading all that you've said I'd probably think that de-friending him is the best thing to do.  You could do a bit of a 'clear out' of your facebook friends.  Some folks do that from time to time so they can just see posts from people that 'matter'.  I did that many years ago (although for a slightly different reason) and Dale from Bride has done it at least once.  If you can't think of many folk to get rid of you can always get rid of one of mine, as I'm your friend twice!

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Guilty/Forgiven

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PostSubject: Re: Help I have a stalker !   Fri Apr 14, 2017 12:41 pm

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for talking with me about this. It's helped me a lot. You all rock !
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